Fruit smoothies nearly ended my life

So, big changes guys. I had given up everything in search of smoothie salvation. I was making smoothies yesterday, maybe a little bit too drunk to be working, but anyways, I slip on this frozen mango and the blender flies out at full speed and lands on this dog, still spinning. The dog is shredded to bits and the owner comes at me and starts trying to strangle me with his dead dog's leash. A police officer sees this from across the street and fires at the man strangling me, the bullet hits me in the foot and I yell. Luckily, a little bit of the blood from my foot squirts up and blinds my assailant. The cop runs off and the dog, still nervously twitching despite the lack of a head, starts clawing at me. The story goes on and on but...

....fruit smoothies nearly ended my life.

I'm going back to way things were.

conversation (on the way to the public library)

"This would be great music for group sex. I can see myself at an orgy during this part."

"Yeah, like all hopped up on viagra and ecstasy. RAAAA"

"The 17 year olds wouldn't even know what's going on."

"I couldn't agree more."

Fruit Smoothies Saved My Life

I'm giving up nihilism and cold-heartedness for the warm/cool embrace of fruit and milk. The blog will be retitled "the shape of smoothies to come." I'm quitting guitar, selling my camera, and spending the money to open up a smoothie stand downtown. Fruit smoothies saved my life.

You Know....

I used to be worried about society's intellectual progress,

but it's okay now.

we can all give up.

I'm gonna go watch the bachelorette.

VOMIT

passion pit + raybans + musicvideo + wedding = VOMIT

if you or your friends are thinking of having a hipster wedding, get help soon.

and uh... vomit....

(upon reflection i would like to add: excuse my abrasive nature today, i just got home from pitachip/potatosalad/beer rehab and life is really rough. and no, i am not capitalizing i today)

Jan Brewer, Arizona Gov, Issues official statement

In response to the Jude Bolton's preliminary injunction against key and controversial portions of SB 1070, Jan Brewer issued this official statement:

"Look, I'm sick of playing games. Let's lay the cards out on the table. I hate mexicans, I said it. I am a racist. I am okay with blacks, chinese people and sometimes homos... but I really hate mexicans. THIS LEGISLATION IS RACIST! We are a state ruled by racists! That's the way it is. Of course these provisions target Mexicans. Who else living in Arizona could possibly be mistaken for an illegal immigrant? Seriously you guys, let's cut to the chase. I am a racist, my supporters are racists, we hate Mexicans, and we want to take away their rights. I'm calling upon all other racists to support me as we fight to get this racist bill passed. Oh and one more thing, white power."

The first step to solving all of our problems

Take everyone who really can't deal with cracking eggs themselves and decided it was really necessary to buy one of these... and feed them to alligators. I think we might see a slight upswing in graduation rates. Don't let people who buy this procreate. I'm not a fascist, I'm just a concerned citizen.

The Girl with the Tribal Tramp Stamp

As you may or may not know, Hollywood is remaking "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" as "The Girl with the Tribal Tramp Stamp." Here are a few of the changes they will make:

1. All the scenes with old people talking will be removed. This will cut a good 2 hrs out the movie, making it much more fun.

2. Lisbeth will not be a hacker, she will be a surfer chick who uses her surfer abilities to solve the mystery of the missing surfboard

3. Computers will be replaced with Google phones. The mystery will be solved through Wikipedia.

4. Lisbeth with have a tribal tramp stamp

5. Micheal Blvoomquist will not be ugly. He was ugly in the original, Daniel Craig is not ugly.

6. The rape scene will be alluded to. People don't wanna hear cries or see graphic imagery. They don't mind if it happens, they just don't want to see it.

7. Arcade Fire will do the entire soundtrack. Corner that 18-25 middle class demographic. Cool moms will put on those True Religion jeans and buy the soundtrack for their kids, because they're cool.

8. The Nazis will be ACORN employees. Fox News is co-producing

9. Nobody will smoke. We can't have people smoking in movies, it's irresponsible. Instead they will chew Orbit gum for minty fresh breath.

10. Ellen Page. Juno X Mystery = Success.

monologue #1: Me explaining something to an officer.

"Look officer, I can explain. I know it looks weird, all this blood, all this fur. I really can't explain why I killed all these cats. The last thing I remember was driving to work and I had to drive past the concert hall where the Lady Gaga concert was going on. I saw all the fans outside and you would not believe... This guy had this white fur coat on and all this blue makeup on his face, and this plume of feathers that erupted from his spiked hair. And this girl, she was just covered in these bubbles, and she was so fat, I didn't know what to do... my blood felt like molten lava, my hands started shaking. I started screaming and that's where I faded out. When I awoke I was in my car, with these 12 dead cats, 23 stolen ice cream cones, and one kidnapped child dressed as Lady Gaga. I know this doesn't make a lot of sense, but have some sympathy, I mean the white fur coat?"

....................

....please. somebody. kill. lady. gaga. please. pardon. my. absence. but. yeah......

Scared Straight: Fantasy Culture

Hey kids, I was was an all-state soccer player, had a hot girlfriend who gave me blowjobs all the time and went to all the coolest parties. It started with computer games and then next thing I knew, I was dressing like fairies, driving to Wisconsin for DnD conferences, and sleeping with fat girls with dreadlocks dressed in 16th century garb named Garden Sky Nymph. In ten years I see myself exactly where I am now, taking ecstasy at the Renaissance Festival getting my back rubbed by a bi-curious Orc. Say no to Fantasy... just say no.

Today

I went to jury duty, and that was a party if there ever was one... then I went to get my teeth cleaned and that was just phenomenal. As I was spitting out blood, I decided I would get myself a personal bottle of Jack Daniels, but then the club soda I got for it exploded all over my bed... so...

I'm going to Hogwarts and I'm never coming back.
Don't call.

i knowwwww....

that is usually use this blog to talk about people's penises falling off, centaur sex, and other tasteless things, but uhhhh
http://bastardboys.bandcamp.com/
suck my centaur dick.

Excert from my novel...

The Wind in the Willows as told by Woe Jozney

Mr. Toad awoke the next morning to a curious smell. He felt his pants and realized he had peed himself in his sleep. Oh well, he thought to himself, shit happens. Toad wanted to meet the conductor in case he was a handsome gentleman who would want to make Mr. Toad his lover or adopt him as a child. Mr. Toad worked his way through the cars.

A boy poked his head out, "Hey everyone! That little old lady smells like pee and looks like a toad." The little boy blew a spitball that hit Mr. Toad in the back of the head. Mr. Toad turned around.

"That's it. You think that's funny? Come here." The boy ran past him and Mr. Toad ran after the little boy. Eventually they came to the end of the cars and Mr. Toad had the little boy trapped. "Wanna know something funny little boy?" Mr. Toad removed his shawl. "I'm a real toad, who talks, who walks, and who has no penis, and who is about to kick your ass." He dove for the boy but the little boy evaded him. The little boy tripped on a wire and fell over the side of the traincar. Mr. Toad reached his slimy hand out and held the boys hand as he dangled from the side of the car.

"Please Mr. Toad, I'm so sorry about what I said and did. Just don't let me die. Please, have mercy."

"Mr. Toad has no mercy." He let go of the boys hand. He heard the cracking of bones under the train's wheels. He walked to the conductor's car and told the conductor what he did.

I got this tattoo...

.....just in case my boyfriend forgets the chords to this song when he's playing ukulele and doing me from behind.

Diet Advice

Jimbone Jimbo here, I am friends with the guy who writes this stuff. I have tried all the diets, and I'm here to offer my insight into the newest fad. I have been consuming nothing but corn syrup for the past week.

My typical day is pretty ordinary- wake up, pour myself a glass of corn syrup, wash that down with a shot of corn syrup. I really like how it doesn't fill me up. After that I get this rush of energy I can only compare to the time I took ecstasy with the bassist from Phish. After my morning corn syrup I play Call of Duty for a while and then crash out and take a 2 hr cat-nap. I wake up around 3pm and get a medium sized bowl of corn syrup. I wash that down with a 24oz Coors and smoke a couple cigarettes on the porch. I'm feeling pretty good at that point and decide to check the job postings on the Houston Chronicle site... as usual... no demand for a pottery school dropout. This depressed me so I have another bowl of corn syrup and another 24oz Coors and another 5-6 cigarettes. I then start my daily ritual of watching Point Break with the sound off, and I say the words along with their lips moving. I take another 2 hr cat-nap and wake up to goto the liquor store. I get a pint of Dewars and come home and eat another medium size bowl of Corn Syrup and wash it down with the Dewars.

At this point I usually fall into what I call a Cornhole. I've never been blessed with the opportunity to take ketamine, so I don't know if my cornhole is similar to a K-Hole. Anyways, in this cornhole I dance and paint on the walls and sing Rush songs. I usually take a few NoDoz before I dose anyways. So I'm in this cornhole and it's like the fucking walls are caving in on me. I climb into the bathtub and pull a blanket over my head and start screaming at the top of my lungs. About an hour later the police arrive and make sure everything is all right. I assure them I'm on no illegal substances and they leave. It's about time for bed now so I have a warm glass of corn syrup and tuck myself in. I usually have dreams about corn syrup.

feels good man.

fewd fer thought

the floor is biggest shelf you own...

This week in Centaurs

where do centaurs keep their cell phones?

how are they conceived?

is it a horse making love to a woman?

is it a man to a horse?

Open the introspective prism.

So today I found out that "The Girl with the Dragoon Tattoo" is in fact not a documentary and it was making me feel suicidal, so I called my therapist. He was like, have you have had any weird dreams lately... I was like, yeah there was this one where I fucked a centaur... He was like, were you pitching or catching? I was like pitching... He said this means serious things and that I should come in for a visit next week. So I went to HEB and got some beer and sushi and was feeling pretty good so I put on some porn... old fashioned PB n V style... and was like, hey there's no centaurs in this... I'm not bestial after all, maybe every thing will work out. I sent Zac Efron a few pictures of my new looks and ways of doing my hair to get his input.

In other news I got a new camera... here's a picture of my closet.

This Week in Style...

Every day, at least 5 monkeys smoking cigarettes do not have Raybans on.

Donate to the cause, these monkeys deserve sunglasses.

Scared Straight: College

Hey kids, I'm here to tell you to go to college. I didn't go to college now I walk around in a Centaur suit, take lots of ecstasy, and wait for my mom to pick me up at the end of the day. Between my drinking habits and my Dungeons and Dragons addiction, I'll be dead by 40.

Don't be a fool- goto school.

The jorts make the man

He is confident

He is tan

He is sculpted

He has probably killed a man

He gets tail all the time

His ass is the center of attention

He goes to the gym twice a week

The jorts make the man

Top 10 Role Playing Scenarios

-Sometimes we all need a little bit of help in the pleasure zone, so try some role playing today. Here are some of my favorite scenarios to help you spice it up in the bedroom.

10. Grant and Lee at the Appomatox courthouse. And thus forth you shalt sign this document, making the union one again! Do you have a pen? Oh...I must have dropped it, excuse me while I shall bend over... Oh no, I seem to have lost my pants.

9. Sexy Vampire Time. Oh I love twilight, does it turn you when I bite you... like this? ohhh.... too hard... oh my fucking god Steeve you drew blood, what the fuck??? fucking idiot.

8. Greek Gods. I am Zeus, you are my sister, I will fuck you and create a snake baby who will then trick my brother and fuck him and give birth to a three headed dog. God this is so hot.

7. Forest Gump. You're pretty, I ain't too smart but... uhhh... suck my wiener?

6. Hue Laurie on House. I'm not sure I can diagnose this, let me take a few more pain pills... Hmm it seems you have of Needs-a-hard-one-itis... I think I have a the cure.

5. Thomas Jefferson and Slave. Your dark skin is so enticing... but you can never speak of this, it would surely ruin my political career. Now come here and put that brown sugar in my oatmeal.

4. Harry Potter. Oh Hermione, how I always wanted to flip that robe up and rip off those Hogwarts panties and do you like a muggle. Get that frizzy hair over here and suck on my wand.

3. Sarah Palin's Daughter and Boyfriend. I know abstinence is the only way to prevent pregnancy, but I really want to fuck you... oh well fuck it let's do it.

2. Gay Republican Sex Scandal. I may write all kinds of legislation to take away your rights, but I gotta admit, I love your soft skin and bleach blond hair. Come here cabana boy and let me pound you with my gavel.

1. Role Reversal. Honey, what's that you've got there... oh my... it sure is big, what are you gonna do with that thing? Honey... I don't know how I feel ab..... FDJSFDSFDSNLD

Lebron James To Play in World Cup Final

Lebron James announced today that he would be playing in the World Cup final match on the 11th. Here is a transcript of some of the questions from the press conference.

"Do you even know how to play soccer?"

"I'm Lebron James, I am all knowing."

"What team will you play for?"

"Team Lebron James man."

"How is it that you can just do this?"

"I'm Lebron James."

Paul The Oracle Octopus Arrested

Earlier this week, Paul the Octopus, the famous octopus who predicts German soccer games was arrested at a nightclub in Hamburg. Paul had been at the club for some time when a bartender refused to serve him because he was "toasted." Paul pulled out a gun and shot the bartender in the foot and yelled, "I'm Paul the fucking oracle. I'm a fucking hero, I'm famous. Fuck you, Fuck you and Fuck yall." He then grabbed a girl with each of his tentacles and attempted to drag them out to his Escalade. Luckily local law enforcement was nearby and apprehended Paul without complication. Paul was released earlier this morning and brought back to his tank. He has been forced to wear sensors on each of his tentacles to determine if he leaves his tank. When asked for comment he said, "Fuck it man, I did what I did. I'm Paul. What you want me to predict next bitches?"

July 5th is Hot Dog Awareness Day!

Every year, anywhere from 3,000 to 12,000 people choke on hot dogs during July 4th celebrations. Most of them had just misplaced their beers and could not make it sink to get water and experienced slow painful deaths. These people have families, lovers, and pets, it is a tragedy. So tell your friends and family, make sure their throat is properly lubricated every time they eat a hot dog. Thanks for your time.

On this day...

Abraham Lincoln and George Washington met at the great salt lake and decided to start a great country by killing indians and enslaving the Chinese. "We're gonna need railroads," Lincoln said. "I agree. We're also gonna need guns, cotton, and modern medicine," said Washington. They hired Ben Franklin to invent those things and electricity and started having duels on the reg. A bunch of Mormons moved to Utah so they had to bail and move the capital to Washington DC, which George Washington named after himself because he was an arrogant dude. They fought some wars, invented money, and now, however many years later, we have flags, trucks, hot dogs, and reality television.

Happy fourth of July.

SO....

My mom told me I need to be anonymous in case I need to get a real job where they look up my blog and stuff. So I thought I'd like to let yall' know who I am... my name is Bob Jones. I work for Chevron, have three kids, love "So You Think You Can Dance," drink a lot, think my wife is sexy but would really take a chance at fucking her sister, hate my kids, really hate my dog- in fact sometimes I have dreams where I drown it in that fucking swimming pool my goddam wife wanted me to build.... sometimes I wear my wife's panties and sing Talking Heads' songs, it's the only way I can get hard anymore.....

....so if your name is Bob Jones and you work for Chevron...

yeah.

UH FUCK YOU

sometimes I think I should write an auto-bigraphy

sometimes I think I should call it "If these dicks could talk"

sometimes I think I should call it "Courage: A Wozny profile"

sometimes I think I should have drank another margarita and eaten one less nacho.

UH

If the guy in front of you at the gas station gets the winning lotto ticket, you are in the right place at the wrong time.

If you end up in a shark cage during feeding hours, you are in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Monologue #1: Husband tells wife he's into Twilight.

"....so, I have something I need to talk to you about. Could you sit? Yeah- right there... so... How do I... Well, I know I haven't been myself lately. You're right I've been distant, I haven't payed you enough attention- it's just... uhh.. how do I say this? I'm into... uhh... Twilight. I like sexy vampires- there I said it. Those Ebony Pleasure magazines you thought were so upsetting, they were just there to cover up my glossy 8X10's of Robert Pattinson. Now I know what you're thinking, I'm not a homosexual I swear it's just the wear his hair looks and his eyes... it just makes me... happy. You know what I mean, the way you feel when you play with our kids, I feel that way when I'm watching twilight. All those times I said I was going out for drinks with the boys after work... I was in the parking lot watching Twilight on my portable DVD player. I HAVE NO FRIENDS... (sobbing)... TWILIGHT IS MY ONLY FRIEND. I know this must be shocking but I think we can work through this. I know you hate Twilight, but we can figure this out. We can watch it together, get over it together, I can watch less and less each time, I just need help doing this. I know it won't be easy. I'm sorry. I love you, but I also love Twilight. Baby please..."

Top 10 things to rest on Serena Williams ass...

I know you think about this a lot so:

10: Ham Sandwich

9. Lolita by Nabakov

8. Your laptop

7. Photos of your family and loved ones

6. Your favorite beer

5. A child

4. Kittens, lots of them.

3. The remote to your new HDTV

2. Collectors edition Star Wars Toys

1. Your NOSE!