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Fruit smoothies nearly ended my life

So, big changes guys. I had given up everything in search of smoothie salvation. I was making smoothies yesterday, maybe a little bit too drunk to be working, but anyways, I slip on this frozen mango and the blender flies out at full speed and lands on this dog, still spinning. The dog is shredded to bits and the owner comes at me and starts trying to strangle me with his dead dog's leash. A police officer sees this from across the street and fires at the man strangling me, the bullet hits me in the foot and I yell. Luckily, a little bit of the blood from my foot squirts up and blinds my assailant. The cop runs off and the dog, still nervously twitching despite the lack of a head, starts clawing at me. The story goes on and on but...

....fruit smoothies nearly ended my life.

I'm going back to way things were.

conversation (on the way to the public library)

"This would be great music for group sex. I can see myself at an orgy during this part."

"Yeah, like all hopped up on viagra and ecstasy. RAAAA"

"The 17 year olds wouldn't even know what's going on."

"I couldn't agree more."

Fruit Smoothies Saved My Life

I'm giving up nihilism and cold-heartedness for the warm/cool embrace of fruit and milk. The blog will be retitled "the shape of smoothies to come." I'm quitting guitar, selling my camera, and spending the money to open up a smoothie stand downtown. Fruit smoothies saved my life.

You Know....

I used to be worried about society's intellectual progress,

but it's okay now.

we can all give up.

I'm gonna go watch the bachelorette.

VOMIT

passion pit + raybans + musicvideo + wedding = VOMIT

if you or your friends are thinking of having a hipster wedding, get help soon.

and uh... vomit....

(upon reflection i would like to add: excuse my abrasive nature today, i just got home from pitachip/potatosalad/beer rehab and life is really rough. and no, i am not capitalizing i today)

Jan Brewer, Arizona Gov, Issues official statement

In response to the Jude Bolton's preliminary injunction against key and controversial portions of SB 1070, Jan Brewer issued this official statement:

"Look, I'm sick of playing games. Let's lay the cards out on the table. I hate mexicans, I said it. I am a racist. I am okay with blacks, chinese people and sometimes homos... but I really hate mexicans. THIS LEGISLATION IS RACIST! We are a state ruled by racists! That's the way it is. Of course these provisions target Mexicans. Who else living in Arizona could possibly be mistaken for an illegal immigrant? Seriously you guys, let's cut to the chase. I am a racist, my supporters are racists, we hate Mexicans, and we want to take away their rights. I'm calling upon all other racists to support me as we fight to get this racist bill passed. Oh and one more thing, white power."

The first step to solving all of our problems

Take everyone who really can't deal with cracking eggs themselves and decided it was really necessary to buy one of these... and feed them to alligators. I think we might see a slight upswing in graduation rates. Don't let people who buy this procreate. I'm not a fascist, I'm just a concerned citizen.

The Girl with the Tribal Tramp Stamp

As you may or may not know, Hollywood is remaking "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" as "The Girl with the Tribal Tramp Stamp." Here are a few of the changes they will make:

1. All the scenes with old people talking will be removed. This will cut a good 2 hrs out the movie, making it much more fun.

2. Lisbeth will not be a hacker, she will be a surfer chick who uses her surfer abilities to solve the mystery of the missing surfboard

3. Computers will be replaced with Google phones. The mystery will be solved through Wikipedia.

4. Lisbeth with have a tribal tramp stamp

5. Micheal Blvoomquist will not be ugly. He was ugly in the original, Daniel Craig is not ugly.

6. The rape scene will be alluded to. People don't wanna hear cries or see graphic imagery. They don't mind if it happens, they just don't want to see it.

7. Arcade Fire will do the entire soundtrack. Corner that 18-25 middle class demographic. Cool moms will put on those True Religion jeans and buy the soundtrack for their kids, because they're cool.

8. The Nazis will be ACORN employees. Fox News is co-producing

9. Nobody will smoke. We can't have people smoking in movies, it's irresponsible. Instead they will chew Orbit gum for minty fresh breath.

10. Ellen Page. Juno X Mystery = Success.

monologue #1: Me explaining something to an officer.

"Look officer, I can explain. I know it looks weird, all this blood, all this fur. I really can't explain why I killed all these cats. The last thing I remember was driving to work and I had to drive past the concert hall where the Lady Gaga concert was going on. I saw all the fans outside and you would not believe... This guy had this white fur coat on and all this blue makeup on his face, and this plume of feathers that erupted from his spiked hair. And this girl, she was just covered in these bubbles, and she was so fat, I didn't know what to do... my blood felt like molten lava, my hands started shaking. I started screaming and that's where I faded out. When I awoke I was in my car, with these 12 dead cats, 23 stolen ice cream cones, and one kidnapped child dressed as Lady Gaga. I know this doesn't make a lot of sense, but have some sympathy, I mean the white fur coat?"

....................

....please. somebody. kill. lady. gaga. please. pardon. my. absence. but. yeah......

Scared Straight: Fantasy Culture

Hey kids, I was was an all-state soccer player, had a hot girlfriend who gave me blowjobs all the time and went to all the coolest parties. It started with computer games and then next thing I knew, I was dressing like fairies, driving to Wisconsin for DnD conferences, and sleeping with fat girls with dreadlocks dressed in 16th century garb named Garden Sky Nymph. In ten years I see myself exactly where I am now, taking ecstasy at the Renaissance Festival getting my back rubbed by a bi-curious Orc. Say no to Fantasy... just say no.

Today

I went to jury duty, and that was a party if there ever was one... then I went to get my teeth cleaned and that was just phenomenal. As I was spitting out blood, I decided I would get myself a personal bottle of Jack Daniels, but then the club soda I got for it exploded all over my bed... so...

I'm going to Hogwarts and I'm never coming back.
Don't call.

i knowwwww....

that is usually use this blog to talk about people's penises falling off, centaur sex, and other tasteless things, but uhhhh
http://bastardboys.bandcamp.com/
suck my centaur dick.

Excert from my novel...

The Wind in the Willows as told by Woe Jozney

Mr. Toad awoke the next morning to a curious smell. He felt his pants and realized he had peed himself in his sleep. Oh well, he thought to himself, shit happens. Toad wanted to meet the conductor in case he was a handsome gentleman who would want to make Mr. Toad his lover or adopt him as a child. Mr. Toad worked his way through the cars.

A boy poked his head out, "Hey everyone! That little old lady smells like pee and looks like a toad." The little boy blew a spitball that hit Mr. Toad in the back of the head. Mr. Toad turned around.

"That's it. You think that's funny? Come here." The boy ran past him and Mr. Toad ran after the little boy. Eventually they came to the end of the cars and Mr. Toad had the little boy trapped. "Wanna know something funny little boy?" Mr. Toad removed his shawl. "I'm a real toad, who talks, who walks, and who has no penis, and who is about to kick your ass." He dove for the boy but the little boy evaded him. The little boy tripped on a wire and fell over the side of the traincar. Mr. Toad reached his slimy hand out and held the boys hand as he dangled from the side of the car.

"Please Mr. Toad, I'm so sorry about what I said and did. Just don't let me die. Please, have mercy."

"Mr. Toad has no mercy." He let go of the boys hand. He heard the cracking of bones under the train's wheels. He walked to the conductor's car and told the conductor what he did.

I got this tattoo...

.....just in case my boyfriend forgets the chords to this song when he's playing ukulele and doing me from behind.

Diet Advice

Jimbone Jimbo here, I am friends with the guy who writes this stuff. I have tried all the diets, and I'm here to offer my insight into the newest fad. I have been consuming nothing but corn syrup for the past week.

My typical day is pretty ordinary- wake up, pour myself a glass of corn syrup, wash that down with a shot of corn syrup. I really like how it doesn't fill me up. After that I get this rush of energy I can only compare to the time I took ecstasy with the bassist from Phish. After my morning corn syrup I play Call of Duty for a while and then crash out and take a 2 hr cat-nap. I wake up around 3pm and get a medium sized bowl of corn syrup. I wash that down with a 24oz Coors and smoke a couple cigarettes on the porch. I'm feeling pretty good at that point and decide to check the job postings on the Houston Chronicle site... as usual... no demand for a pottery school dropout. This depressed me so I have another bowl of corn syrup and another 24oz Coors and another 5-6 cigarettes. I then start my daily ritual of watching Point Break with the sound off, and I say the words along with their lips moving. I take another 2 hr cat-nap and wake up to goto the liquor store. I get a pint of Dewars and come home and eat another medium size bowl of Corn Syrup and wash it down with the Dewars.

At this point I usually fall into what I call a Cornhole. I've never been blessed with the opportunity to take ketamine, so I don't know if my cornhole is similar to a K-Hole. Anyways, in this cornhole I dance and paint on the walls and sing Rush songs. I usually take a few NoDoz before I dose anyways. So I'm in this cornhole and it's like the fucking walls are caving in on me. I climb into the bathtub and pull a blanket over my head and start screaming at the top of my lungs. About an hour later the police arrive and make sure everything is all right. I assure them I'm on no illegal substances and they leave. It's about time for bed now so I have a warm glass of corn syrup and tuck myself in. I usually have dreams about corn syrup.

feels good man.

fewd fer thought

the floor is biggest shelf you own...

This week in Centaurs

where do centaurs keep their cell phones?

how are they conceived?

is it a horse making love to a woman?

is it a man to a horse?

Open the introspective prism.

So today I found out that "The Girl with the Dragoon Tattoo" is in fact not a documentary and it was making me feel suicidal, so I called my therapist. He was like, have you have had any weird dreams lately... I was like, yeah there was this one where I fucked a centaur... He was like, were you pitching or catching? I was like pitching... He said this means serious things and that I should come in for a visit next week. So I went to HEB and got some beer and sushi and was feeling pretty good so I put on some porn... old fashioned PB n V style... and was like, hey there's no centaurs in this... I'm not bestial after all, maybe every thing will work out. I sent Zac Efron a few pictures of my new looks and ways of doing my hair to get his input.

In other news I got a new camera... here's a picture of my closet.

This Week in Style...

Every day, at least 5 monkeys smoking cigarettes do not have Raybans on.

Donate to the cause, these monkeys deserve sunglasses.

Scared Straight: College

Hey kids, I'm here to tell you to go to college. I didn't go to college now I walk around in a Centaur suit, take lots of ecstasy, and wait for my mom to pick me up at the end of the day. Between my drinking habits and my Dungeons and Dragons addiction, I'll be dead by 40.

Don't be a fool- goto school.

The jorts make the man

He is confident

He is tan

He is sculpted

He has probably killed a man

He gets tail all the time

His ass is the center of attention

He goes to the gym twice a week

The jorts make the man

Top 10 Role Playing Scenarios

-Sometimes we all need a little bit of help in the pleasure zone, so try some role playing today. Here are some of my favorite scenarios to help you spice it up in the bedroom.

10. Grant and Lee at the Appomatox courthouse. And thus forth you shalt sign this document, making the union one again! Do you have a pen? Oh...I must have dropped it, excuse me while I shall bend over... Oh no, I seem to have lost my pants.

9. Sexy Vampire Time. Oh I love twilight, does it turn you when I bite you... like this? ohhh.... too hard... oh my fucking god Steeve you drew blood, what the fuck??? fucking idiot.

8. Greek Gods. I am Zeus, you are my sister, I will fuck you and create a snake baby who will then trick my brother and fuck him and give birth to a three headed dog. God this is so hot.

7. Forest Gump. You're pretty, I ain't too smart but... uhhh... suck my wiener?

6. Hue Laurie on House. I'm not sure I can diagnose this, let me take a few more pain pills... Hmm it seems you have of Needs-a-hard-one-itis... I think I have a the cure.

5. Thomas Jefferson and Slave. Your dark skin is so enticing... but you can never speak of this, it would surely ruin my political career. Now come here and put that brown sugar in my oatmeal.

4. Harry Potter. Oh Hermione, how I always wanted to flip that robe up and rip off those Hogwarts panties and do you like a muggle. Get that frizzy hair over here and suck on my wand.

3. Sarah Palin's Daughter and Boyfriend. I know abstinence is the only way to prevent pregnancy, but I really want to fuck you... oh well fuck it let's do it.

2. Gay Republican Sex Scandal. I may write all kinds of legislation to take away your rights, but I gotta admit, I love your soft skin and bleach blond hair. Come here cabana boy and let me pound you with my gavel.

1. Role Reversal. Honey, what's that you've got there... oh my... it sure is big, what are you gonna do with that thing? Honey... I don't know how I feel ab..... FDJSFDSFDSNLD

Lebron James To Play in World Cup Final

Lebron James announced today that he would be playing in the World Cup final match on the 11th. Here is a transcript of some of the questions from the press conference.

"Do you even know how to play soccer?"

"I'm Lebron James, I am all knowing."

"What team will you play for?"

"Team Lebron James man."

"How is it that you can just do this?"

"I'm Lebron James."

Paul The Oracle Octopus Arrested

Earlier this week, Paul the Octopus, the famous octopus who predicts German soccer games was arrested at a nightclub in Hamburg. Paul had been at the club for some time when a bartender refused to serve him because he was "toasted." Paul pulled out a gun and shot the bartender in the foot and yelled, "I'm Paul the fucking oracle. I'm a fucking hero, I'm famous. Fuck you, Fuck you and Fuck yall." He then grabbed a girl with each of his tentacles and attempted to drag them out to his Escalade. Luckily local law enforcement was nearby and apprehended Paul without complication. Paul was released earlier this morning and brought back to his tank. He has been forced to wear sensors on each of his tentacles to determine if he leaves his tank. When asked for comment he said, "Fuck it man, I did what I did. I'm Paul. What you want me to predict next bitches?"

July 5th is Hot Dog Awareness Day!

Every year, anywhere from 3,000 to 12,000 people choke on hot dogs during July 4th celebrations. Most of them had just misplaced their beers and could not make it sink to get water and experienced slow painful deaths. These people have families, lovers, and pets, it is a tragedy. So tell your friends and family, make sure their throat is properly lubricated every time they eat a hot dog. Thanks for your time.

On this day...

Abraham Lincoln and George Washington met at the great salt lake and decided to start a great country by killing indians and enslaving the Chinese. "We're gonna need railroads," Lincoln said. "I agree. We're also gonna need guns, cotton, and modern medicine," said Washington. They hired Ben Franklin to invent those things and electricity and started having duels on the reg. A bunch of Mormons moved to Utah so they had to bail and move the capital to Washington DC, which George Washington named after himself because he was an arrogant dude. They fought some wars, invented money, and now, however many years later, we have flags, trucks, hot dogs, and reality television.

Happy fourth of July.

SO....

My mom told me I need to be anonymous in case I need to get a real job where they look up my blog and stuff. So I thought I'd like to let yall' know who I am... my name is Bob Jones. I work for Chevron, have three kids, love "So You Think You Can Dance," drink a lot, think my wife is sexy but would really take a chance at fucking her sister, hate my kids, really hate my dog- in fact sometimes I have dreams where I drown it in that fucking swimming pool my goddam wife wanted me to build.... sometimes I wear my wife's panties and sing Talking Heads' songs, it's the only way I can get hard anymore.....

....so if your name is Bob Jones and you work for Chevron...

yeah.

UH FUCK YOU

sometimes I think I should write an auto-bigraphy

sometimes I think I should call it "If these dicks could talk"

sometimes I think I should call it "Courage: A Wozny profile"

sometimes I think I should have drank another margarita and eaten one less nacho.

UH

If the guy in front of you at the gas station gets the winning lotto ticket, you are in the right place at the wrong time.

If you end up in a shark cage during feeding hours, you are in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Monologue #1: Husband tells wife he's into Twilight.

"....so, I have something I need to talk to you about. Could you sit? Yeah- right there... so... How do I... Well, I know I haven't been myself lately. You're right I've been distant, I haven't payed you enough attention- it's just... uhh.. how do I say this? I'm into... uhh... Twilight. I like sexy vampires- there I said it. Those Ebony Pleasure magazines you thought were so upsetting, they were just there to cover up my glossy 8X10's of Robert Pattinson. Now I know what you're thinking, I'm not a homosexual I swear it's just the wear his hair looks and his eyes... it just makes me... happy. You know what I mean, the way you feel when you play with our kids, I feel that way when I'm watching twilight. All those times I said I was going out for drinks with the boys after work... I was in the parking lot watching Twilight on my portable DVD player. I HAVE NO FRIENDS... (sobbing)... TWILIGHT IS MY ONLY FRIEND. I know this must be shocking but I think we can work through this. I know you hate Twilight, but we can figure this out. We can watch it together, get over it together, I can watch less and less each time, I just need help doing this. I know it won't be easy. I'm sorry. I love you, but I also love Twilight. Baby please..."

Top 10 things to rest on Serena Williams ass...

I know you think about this a lot so:

10: Ham Sandwich

9. Lolita by Nabakov

8. Your laptop

7. Photos of your family and loved ones

6. Your favorite beer

5. A child

4. Kittens, lots of them.

3. The remote to your new HDTV

2. Collectors edition Star Wars Toys

1. Your NOSE!

Mythology: Origin of steel guitar

A long time ago, in a village with houses made of bushes and stuff, there was a young girl named Smellypuss. She was the daughter of the famous god Donttouchmydaughterssmellypuss, but nobody knew that. In the village there was a young boy named, Gottahavesumpuss. Gottahavesumpuss was a weightlifter and a musician and a badass. One day he saw Smellypuss bathing in the river and said, "dam, I gotta have that puss."

The next day he went down to the river and approached Smellypuss. "Smellypuss, I think you are magnificent. I want nothing more than to make crazy love to you in this river. Whaddaya' say?" She looked up to him and said, "Well, I don't know. I'm kinda old fashioned. I mean I'm into some weird shit, but you're going to have to woo me."

"But how will I do that?"

"You decide which method is best."

Now Gottahavesumpuss went home and thought long and hard. He decided he would go down to the river with his lute and play her the most beautiful song in the world.

The next day he went down to the river where Smellypuss was bathing and said, "You listen here Smellypuss, I shall play the most beautiful song in the world on my lute and then you shall be mine." He strummed chord after chord on his lute and looked at her. "So how bout' it baby?"

"I'm afraid that isn't enough, I've heard many a boy play his lute to try and get down with me. You need to do better than that."

Disheartened, Gottahavesumpuss went home and thought how to do one better. He practiced playing four lutes at the same time with all of his limbs. This was sure to woo her, an orchestra of lutes.

He went down to the river the next day and approached Smellypuss, "Baby, I'm gonna play 4 different lutes at the same time, all playing the most beautiful song in the world and then you're gonna have to let me jump those bones." He strummed the lutes with his toes and his fingers and rainbows of sound emerged. "So how bout it baby? Get yo ass over here and let's get down to business."

"I'm afraid it isn't enough, I've seen that before. Steve in the next village over did that last summer- it's old news."

Gottahavesumpuss went home and cried. How ever will I get sum puss if she's already seen that. He could think of no ideas but decided he would go down to the river and inspiration would strike him.

The next day he went down to the river and saw Smellypuss bathing, her wet boobs gleaming in the sunlight. He had a serious boner and thought of a crazy idea.

He emerged from the woods naked playing his lute with his boner in the strings, creating a sliding sound. He moved it up down, and all around, and she looked into his eyes. "Oh Gottahavesumpuss, that is the most magnificent thing I've ever heard. It's like a million birds are chirping at once. Come here you devil you."

They made sweet crazy love for hours upon hours. Meanwhile, in the bushes, the messenger Iliketotaddle, was watching the whole thing. Iliketotaddle ran straight to Donttouchmydaughterssmellypuss and told him about the whole thing. "You mean he touched my daughters smelly puss?!?! God Damn it! He must be punished."

Donttouchmydaughterssmellypuss came down from the heavens and found Gottahavsumpuss sleeping. He woke him and said, "Bitch, no one gets my daughter's puss and gets away with it." He chopped off his member, dipped it in steel, and bailed. Gottahavesumpuss cried and cried and cried. How will I ever get puss with no member?

Gottahavesumpuss's record label was like, "Yo dude we need a new album, so you need to write some new songs." He picked up his steel dismembered member and played upon the lute. Everyone in the town was amazed by this "steel guitar" sound and called it country music.

Lute players throughout the land adopted this style and it was forever known that when you have the blues, you play with a slide modeled after Gottahavesumpuss's steel detached penis. And so it is.

In my dreams

dude tries to run me down in his truck while i'm on my bike

i realize dude is in my class

dude does not recognize me

i invite dude to hang out at party

i rufie him (spelling on rufie? not that i care about spelling and stuff)

i beat his ass with a bike tire

i sleep with his girlfriend

i feel good about the world.

So my friend was saying...

that he was worrying about something today and he needed advice. I said, "would you like to be astronaut in 10 years?" He said no, but I think the most realistic thing for stressed out people to do is focus on 10 years, not today, or tomorrow. Immediate changes in your life could result in real results, and real results are confusing. Decide you're going to get your PhD in 10 years, it only takes 8, so plan on drinking for at least 2 years before then.

Realistic goals are disheartening because they are measurable. I will have to wait 10 years to figure out if my goals are met if I set a goal to be a great painter in 10 years. Pour yourself a shot/12 shots and have yourself some lifetime fantasies. You'll go so far.

im tired and won't write much, ill expand further later.

bp has solved the oil spill crisis

with....

*drumroll*

an enormous buttplug.

more details later.

Cheeses I like.

Goat cheese is my favorite

Mexican cheese is cool for tacos n stuff

Mozzarella is okay

Swiss is okay on my burgers

the rest are fucked.

Excerpt from my novels

"...he longed for the warm embrace of his lover's meatstick but feared commitment. He threw away all the pictures from Chicago and broke the DVDs of the second season of Freaks and Geeks in half. 'Chad' he cried, 'I need you like plants like the sunlight, real bad.' He called Steve, who had a meatstick that was..."

Band Names

1. John Mayor and the Fleshlights

2. Groovestain

3. The Girthworm

4. Organic Helicopters

5. And you will know us by the trail of boners...

6. Great moments in sports history...

7. Bobby Blue and the Buttplugs

8. Bone Bonstein and the Bone Street Boners

9. Zac Efron and his clones

10. GWB and the Iraq war vets

Jortz of the day

serious length

serious girth

serious jortz

Meeting of the Jesuses

Transcribed from earlier:

Original Jesus: "Welcome Jesuses! We are gathered here today to discuss the next month in jesus-ing. Gay Jesus, you are first to speak on the agenda, what say you?"

Conservative Jesus: "Now holdon a minute, why does gay jesus get to talk first? You know how I feel about queers, and I wont..."

Texas Jesus: "Yeah, I agree..."

Drunk Jesus: "Heyyy, doesss anybody havee a cigarette, I need to step outside..."

Cigarette Jesus: "I do, Here."

Drunk Jesus: "Thanks mannn."

Gay Jesus: "If you will allow me to speak, first on the agenda I would like to show pictures from my wonderful commitment ceremony with Anderson Cooper. Here you will see..."

Conservative Jesus: "I can't watch this."

Samuel Jackson Jesus: "Would you shut the fuck up, motherfucker? No one gives a fuck what you think."

Gay Jesus: "Agreed, and we will be honeymooning in Spain next month, so I won't be at the meeting."

Hispanic Jesus: "I am finished with the backyard, I'd like my check now."

Original Jesus: "Of course Jesus, here you are."

Arizona Jesus: "Is he an illegal, can we check his papers?"

Progressive Jesus: "Back off man, he has every right to his privacy and I won't have your facist policies in here. I won't stand it."

Conservative Jesus: "Shut up Progressive Jesus, go drink a latte and make green energy with Gay Jesus."

Original Jesus: "Would everyone please be quiet!"

All Jesuses: RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE

Samuel Jackson Jesus: "EXCUSE ME, THE MAN SAID BE QUIET! SO WOULD YOU ALL BE SO KIND AS TO SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I STICK MY FOOT SO FAR UP YOUR ASS YOU WILL HAVE SHOELACES FOR HAIR!"

Original Jesus: "So our next order of business is...."

To be continued.

Joke

I was thinking about how I need to replace some light bulbs and I thought to myself...

"How many mormons does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only 2, but it needs to be a big light bulb and they can't look eachother in the eye."

Hipster Dances at Show, Time Rift Opens

On Friday, at the Rusty Spoon, music and metamagical history were changed forever when Jake Johnson, aspiring novelist, part time half-price books employee, and self declared cynic, started dancing to music. According to several witnesses, Johnson was doing a great job standing still, crossing his arms, and looking like he was having no fun. The band, Julius Jones and the Jazztones, went into a undeniably funky rendition of "Cissy Strut."

Witnesses say Johnson became possessed, started slowly moving his feet, and accelerated into a full blown funk trance. Johnson later said, "It was like I was overcome by groove power and could no longer control my image I wanted to project of being the dude who was way too cool for this."

After only two seconds of dancing, a rift in the space time continuum opened up in the middle of the stage. The mythical three-headed dog Cerberus emerged and immediately devoured the band and the sound guy. Luckily, the Norse warrior god Magni (son of Thor) emerged from the back of the venue with a mighty enchanted sword and battled Cerberus back into the time-space rift, which eventually closed. Scientists are baffled as to how Johnson's dancing could create magical phenomenon. Stephen Hawking said, "Magic exits? What the fuck have I been doing? I'm outta' here."

Johnson remains apologetic. He issued this statement at a press release on Saturday, "To the family and friends of the band and sound guy, I am so sorry. I had no idea my actions had such grave consequences. I promise to never dance again and will never attend a funk concert again- freak folk only from now on. I am so sorry. I would like to thank Magni, the warrior god, for saving our lives, and possibly the Earth. I have no idea which astral plane you have been transported to, but thank you. That is all"

Confusedshus said

"A lot of people when asked if they would do it all over again said no, but those people probably didn't get DWI's."

Top 10 things unemployed people should spend their time doing...

Take it from me, I don't have a job. Here are some ways I reccomend spending your time.

10. Thinking about the Lost season finale. I mean they dead all along or what? What show should I spend 2 weeks watching on dvd now?

9. Looking at pictures of girls on face book. Disregard if you are a girl.

8. Looking at real porn. Porn is a fine substitute for real human contact, no need to get out there.

7. Looking at craigslist. I'd be great at data entry. It says high school applicants are okay, I guess I could apply... I mean... I went to college.

6. Drinking. totally

5. Going to bars... oh shit I already covered that

4. NetFlix. There's so many movies you haven't seen. Catch up

3. Contemplating all the shit you'd buy if you had a badass job. I do this a lot.

2. Re-watching Lost in its entirety. you might of missed something, what's another two weeks of solitude?

1. Complaining. Complaining won't change your life, but it will make you feel better for a little while and help you develop personality disorders.

Nick Jonas "Talking About Sex" Tape Emerges

On Sunday, an anonymous tipster sent in a shocking video to CNBC featuring Nick Jonas of the Jonas Brothers. In the video, which is shot in night vision, Nick Jonas appears to be inebriated and is mumbling while half asleep on a couch. From what could be made out of the tape, he says something along the lines of "Mannn I can't believe she is givin me slip man. I thought for sure after I got her those last few drinks she'd be a sure trophy, but no shit man. Not even a fuckin' blowjob, I'm fucking Nick Jonas. FUCKING NICK JONAS. Anyone got any weed?"

The Jonas Brothers are famous for their virtuous decision to abstain from sex till marriage. They have custom purity rings that probably cost more than your car. When asked for comment Jonas said, "That is probably not me. It looks me, sounds like me, but I have a purity ring, why would I talk about sex?"

Disney has yet to comment on the situation. What will happen if he is getting laid? What will become of the world?

When asked for comment Zac Efron said, "Fuck it man, I fuck bitches all the time. Black, White, Asian, ain't no thing. Nick Jonas eat a fat one. I'm having the time of my life."

Special New Column: Mother's Milk #1

In a special new column, I would like to introduce our newest contributer, Monica Milk. Monica Milk is a mother of 12, a bingo hall receptionist, and an amatuer poet. Her column "Mother's Milk: Progressive steps to raising your child" will begin in 3...2...1...

Hey Yall', Monica Milk here, first blogger long time mother. I'm hopin I can drop some matriarchal knowledge bombs on yall' so you can raise your kids right. Here goes.

Milk Tip #1: Raise your kid vegan.

The Vegan movement is really picking up steam and I think it's important to incorporate it into child-rearing methods. For a long time, it has been assumed that the mother's milk is the most beneficial source of nutrients for a newborn. I work with this girl, Garden Sky Nymph, her real name is like Charity or something, but she's a vegan and told me milk is bad for you. She said that a true naturalist eats only what comes from the earth. She said it works for her, and that if it works for her, it probably works for babies. I decided to give her methods a test run on my newest of the litter, Ahmad Jamal III. Ahmad is a lovely black child who is, in fact, descended from the great jazz pianist Ahmad Jamal.

At first Ahmad Jamall III was not enjoying our routine. I bought a wonderful breast shaped plastic mold that I fill with soymilk and he slowly adapted to the system. The doctors made a big fuckin' deal about my decision and said that my decisions weren't medically sound or some shit... fuck them... but anyways, Ahmad has slowly accepted his fate and is adapting to the system. I stopped bringing him to the doctors and have been subletting a friends apartment because apparently the doctors threatened to call social services and had my address. He has been turning strange colors, but I think that's just part of the natural vegan transition process, Garden Sky Nymph assured me of that.

Progress Point: 6 weeks

It has been 6 weeks and I'm worried about Ahmad. I've been reading other motherly blogs and these mothers seem to have noticed slightly more cognitive advances than I notice with Ahmad. I asked Garden Sky Nymph and she said I should start giving Ahmad wheatgrass shots 3 times daily. She said her friend Conscience does it and has felt a cosmic energy she had never felt before. Every morning when I wake Ahmad, I gently pour a shot down his throat and he kinda chokes, but I think his body isn't quite adjusted yet, Vegan living is a new thing I understand.

I kinda forgot what I was saying but yall' get the point. I got 12 kids, so I figure I got at least 12 columns in me, but anyways, stay tuned. Feel free to email me any questions about how to your children at monikamilktattoobabysixtynine@seemytits.com

Glenn Beck to Start Music Career

Glenn Beck announced today that he will be retiring from his post at Fox News in order to pursue a country music career. Glenn has already made the move to Nashville and has bought a banjo. When asked why he would leave such an established pundit position, Beck stated, "I really didn't think my message was getting through enough. I thought of America, the America I love and trust, and the first thing that popped into my mind was Toby Keith. Toby Keith loves America and he does it through his music." While beck has no musical training, he claims he will use his god-given talent and love for America to create. CMT has agreed to produce a televised special of duets with Beck and national country acts including Carrie Underwood, Toby Keith, and many more.

Zac Efron has confirmed he will play bass.

Ways to survive moving home with your parents

1. Drink! heavily. Pot is so college. Get a real man's vice.

2. Eat! A lot. Food is comforting. You'll feel a lot better about not having a job with pint of ice cream.

3. Watch movies. You may be tempted to goto the gym and get in shape, but you need time to think. Upgrade your account and remain sedentary.

4. Meet locals. Don't branch out. This is where you're from. Find comfort in the amount of weight the football team gained while you were at college learning.

5. Go looking for younger women. People with jobs date their age. Hang out in your old high school's parking lot and poach those 17 year olds.

6. Start a cover band. Your creative fuse has burned out. Start learning Stone Temple Pilot covers.

7. Rediscover your love for pornography.

8. Change goals. Start training for an arctic trek, or start your dance career. Do something that will not yield immediate results.

9. Smoke Pot. Ignore what I said above. Hang out with the local teens and smoke pot all day. This will distract you from any pressing "real world" problems.

10. Reality Television.

Illuminati Reveals Itself and Confesses to Master Plan

On Wednesday morning, Ali Fedotowski, star of the Bachelorette, spoke on behalf of the Illuminati at a private press conference in New Jersey. Fedotowski said, "Yes, the illuminati is real, it has always been real. There have been many phases in the groups' plans to control power on the global level. Our latest endeavor, The Bachelorette, has been so successful, we have decided to come public." She continued, "The goal of the illuminati has been to control the will of the people through a small narrow channel of activity. Most of our attempts have failed in the past, but for the first time, with the Bachelorette, which you can see on ABC weekly, we have succeeded in controlling the feeble, nearly retarded brains of the American people." The press went into a frenzy and reeled question after question at the young mastermind.

"Is the Bachelor also associated with the illuminati?"

"What other reality television programs are associated with the illuminati?"

"I know that Hal is handsome, but Dave has eyes that are to die for, what does the illuminati think? Steve also has a great sense of humor, what will you do?"

Fedotowski closed by stating that if The Bachelorette reaches a 7th season, 70% of world leaders have agreed to draft a resolution for the creation of a New World Order. When asked for comment, Kim Jong Il of North Korea said simply, "I am really rooting for Dave, but I can understand if she goes with Chris."

Zac Efron was not available for comment.

Today

"The chairman of the Federal Reserve, Ben S. Bernanke, warned on Wednesday that “thefederal budget appears to be on an unsustainable path,” but also recognized that the “exceptional increase” in the deficit had been necessary to ease therecession."

We are headed for hell in a wastebasket

all eyes are on Zac Efron to find out how he will wear his hair next and whether or not he can, in fact, save the country.

In Cheesecakes they trust

Pagan Rituals

You like that bible verse huh?

Does it get you, excited?

What about gasoline?

lighters?

I love you.

SO

The BP crisis is nowhere near stopping, and nobody knows what to do...

and these birds...

BUT,

Zac Efron still looks good

and is having the time of his life.

White Obama

Fox News' approval rating for "how is Obama handling the BP crisis" poll has suddenly skyrocketed. It must be the frosted tips.

ERRR

Sometimes I get depressed about the moving home thing.

But I am glad someone is having the time of their life.

Thanks Guys.

LARS 2

LARS

I've been thinking of growing some gypsy hair,

like I used to have.

I also gave my self the "cop-drama" douche-bag mustache.

I'm thinking this will spice things up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Willem Defoe at the door)

"Knock Knock

Who's There?

Wood Block.

Wood Block Who?"

***BAM, woodblock smashes his penis in HD, followed by a violent handjob***

THANKS ANTICHRIST!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've been thinking about starting a blog where people write page long fiction, but it has to be on notebook paper and it has to be handwritten. Doodles would be appropriate, but there has to be some element of story.

NEW GUITFIDDLE

goodbye amp,

hello sexy telecaster.

Interview at the University Star

Scott at the Texas State University Star was nice enough to interview us and let us play 2 songs. It is our first and perhaps last "acoustic" show. I think we managed to make a few coherent statements.

Bastard Boys live for In San Marcos from scott thomas on Vimeo.

The Flyer That Never Was....

Amberlea helped create this magnificent piece of art that was never properly scanned and used.

I Need to go to Sleep

I Wish I Had a Scanner

Be your own Jesus. Happy Easter

"Then everyone must be his own Bernard Shaw, his own Jesus Christ, his own Archimedes."

JLB

May 22nd

On May 22nd. I move out of my apartment in San Marcos and end my official association with Texas State University. I am not renewing my lease or looking for apartments in SM. So.... What do I do? Do I make a dreaded move back to the mother's nest to make grandiose plans about my future? Do I wait and pretend like one of these days someone will pay attention to one of my job applications? Do I ask parents for help so I can "chill" in Austin and make burritos during the day in order to drink tall boys with my friends for another year? Do I decide that taking out loans for another 2 years of schooling will magically make me a qualified, hirable applicant?

My neurosis is debilitating.

This is a statistically terrible time to be graduating.

Give me a 9 to 5.

Let me play with my band on the weekends.

It cannot be that hard.

I should have gone to A/C repair school.

New Broken Social Scene Song

"World Sick"

Sounds like U2 if U2 was good.

ME GUSTAH

Chris Hedges on truthdig

Everyone should read Chris Hedges columns every monday on truthdig. His books are great too. His voice has become stronger and more furious than ever.

Begginings

If I collect all the miscellaneous musings I enjoy on the internet in one place, I will become virtually collected and successfully co-exist with the digital world.